My Dating Profile
Hi, my name is Al, I’m a Scorpio, and people tell me I’m fun at parties.
Actually, no one ever told me I was fun at parties.
I also never belch, burp, or fart.
This is a dating profile, so it’s okay to lie, right?
In fact, I think it’s illegal if you don’t lie on a dating profile.
To be honest, it has been a long time since I’ve had a dating profile. After my divorce, I was probably on a dozen different sites (not at the same time; I wasn’t that desperate). I tried to be honest, and played by their rules.
I wasn’t fat, I carried a few extra pounds.
I didn’t drink, I only had one or two a week.
Never mentioned religion or politics.
Plus…
…I wasn’t bald, I was just taller than my hair.
Also, I never lied about my age; never understood the reason for that.
When I was forty-four, I had a date with a woman from a dating site. She was also forty-four. Then, during the course of our dinner, she confessed she had lied about her age.
She was actually forty-six.
During the main course, she turned fifty (happy birthday!).
She said she lied because she felt that age was just a number.
Her number turned over more than the National Debt Clock.
Her clock finally stopped at fifty-eight.
A lie will be revealed and is not a good way to begin a potential relationship.
It’s obvious, wait until you are in a relationship before you start lying.
Kidding, of course.
With all that said, the profile picture is key. If you are not honest with that, you might as well not show up at all.
For example, I agreed to dinner with a woman on a dating site. At the restaurant, I arrived first and sat at the bar. My eyes never left the entrance, and yet somehow the woman walked in and popped up—unnoticed—right beside me.
“Al?”
I looked over, and then down. Not only did she not look at all like her photo, she was about half a foot shorter than she had noted on her profile.
We did have dinner, but that was as far as it went.
With that said, I have never put up a picture that was not me, except for one (sort of).
Yes, they were all of me, however, there was one that was just the very best version of me.
I am not photogenic, never have been. Almost every picture taken of me, my eyes are closed, my mouth is open, and my hair looks like I was in a wind tunnel.
But every once in a while, the camera catches—something.
For example, last Christmas, my nephew Jack (an incredibly talented photographer) captured me at his mom’s house, in a snow-covered field, wearing a pea-coat and sunglasses.
I looked like I was about to enter the Iditarod.
Everyone told me I should use it as my dating profile picture. I will, if I ever go back on a site.
However, there is a picture I once used that was me, but was also not me.
Let me explain.
A photo was taken at my brother’s brother-in-law’s house, at a barbecue, by my sister.
In it, I was tan, white teeth, big smile, in good shape (how that happened, I don’t know), and still had (almost) all my hair.
This picture was so good that when my sister showed it to me, it prompted me to ask, “Is that me?”
When she showed it to other people at the barbecue, most said, “Nice picture. Who is that?”
Who is that?!
It was me!
This was my family, and this picture was so perfect, they didn’t even recognize me.
Do you know what that meant?
It meant I found the perfect dating profile picture.
And it worked. I put up the picture on a site, met a woman, dated her, fell in love, and we got married.
Oh, wait, that’s right…
…no, it didn’t.
How can you tell?
You are reading a blog called Conflict and Scotch and not Al Found the Love of His Life on the Internet and Is Now Living Happily Ever After.
And as perfect as that picture was, it didn’t help me find the love of my life.
I guess it just goes to show that overall, some things never change…
...and I am still taller than my hair.
Profile Picture by Diane DeMarzo
Iditarod Picture by Jack DeMarzo
