A Mary's Husband's Pub Play: Put It All On Number Four
A Mary’s Husband’s Pub Play
“Put It All On Number Four”
BELMAR: MARY’S TIME
A One-Act Play
by ChatGPT based on BELMAR stories from ‘Conflict and Scotch’ blog by Al DeLuise
(Originally set in 1984)
CHARACTERS
AL Late 20s/early 30s. Observant, dry, steady in a storm.
HARRY Same age range. Loud, confident, relentlessly joyful.
JEN Same. Sharp, witty, protective of tomorrow.
MIKE Same. Practical, anxious, believes in rules.
DAVE Same. Friendly chaos. Earnest. Unreliable.
BARTENDER Any age. Fast, unflappable, seen it all.
DJ Voice only (or onstage at a booth). A hype man with authority.
BAR CROWD Ensemble (4–12), also covers SMALL ROLES as needed.
SETTING
Mary’s Husband’s Pub, Belmar, New Jersey. Summer weekend night.
The world is 1984: no cell phones, no texting, no glowing screens.
People communicate by shouting, pointing, writing on napkins,
and disappearing for long stretches with no explanation.
STAGE
A single set that stays Mary’s the entire play.
Upstage: A DJ booth (or a small platform with a microphone and speakers).
Stage Left: The main BAR with stools.
Stage Right: A few HIGH-TOPS.
Downstage Center/Right: A folding table with a cheap plastic TURTLE TRACK.
(Keep it visible even when not in use. It’s a totem.)
Neon beer signs. A jukebox or wall speakers. A chalkboard with specials.
The floor looks sticky. The air is loud and warm.
TIME
A Friday night into early Saturday morning, continuous.
NOTE ON SOUND
The bar is never silent. Music plays under most scenes.
When the DJ speaks, music dips slightly so the words are clear.
Crowd noise can swell and fall like surf.
AT RISE
Music. BAR CROWD occupies the room: laughing, flirting, arguing,
dancing in place, leaning on the bar, moving through the aisles.
BARTENDER works with practiced speed. The TURTLE TRACK sits empty.
Lights up.
SCENE 1
(An entrance from upstage. AL, HARRY, JEN, MIKE push in together,
shoulder to shoulder, as if the crowd is a physical force.)
AL
We’re really doing this again.
HARRY
It’s Friday. That’s not a question, that’s a law.
JEN
I can smell the floor already.
MIKE
I can feel tomorrow already.
(They approach the bar. BARTENDER looks up without smiling.)
BARTENDER
IDs.
HARRY
We’re thirty.
BARTENDER
Then you should have them.
(AL, JEN, MIKE produce wallets. HARRY produces his like a magician.)
AL
Here.
JEN
Here.
MIKE
Here.
HARRY
Here.
(BARTENDER checks quickly, hands them back.)
BARTENDER
What’ll it be?
HARRY
Shots.
MIKE
Beer.
JEN
Something that doesn’t make me hate myself.
AL
Something that makes me forget my name for a few minutes.
BARTENDER
So. Beer and shots.
JEN
Vodka soda.
MIKE
Light beer.
HARRY
Whatever’s cold and honest.
AL
Whatever you’d recommend to someone with poor judgment
but good intentions.
BARTENDER
You’re in the right place.
(HARRY takes that as praise.)
HARRY
That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
(The DJ’s voice booms. The CROWD responds.)
DJ (V.O.)
BELMAR! ARE YOU ALIVE IN HERE?
BAR CROWD
WOOOO!
MIKE
It’s not even nine.
HARRY
Time is a social construct. Mary’s is a different country.
JEN
A country with no indoor voice.
AL
And no consequences.
(BARTENDER sets drinks down with a practiced thud.)
BARTENDER
Here.
(They lift glasses.)
HARRY
To Belmar.
MIKE
To surviving Belmar.
JEN
To not making any new enemies tonight.
AL
To not making any promises tonight.
(They drink.)
DJ (V.O.)
TURTLE RACES IN TEN MINUTES! GET READY!
(HARRY snaps toward the turtle track table like a hunting dog.)
HARRY
Yes!
JEN
I hate that you get excited about that.
HARRY
You hate joy. That’s your whole brand.
JEN
My brand is “I don’t trust anything that can be purchased
with a bucket.”
MIKE
Why are they racing turtles in a bar?
AL
Why are we here?
MIKE
To unwind.
AL
Exactly. Same answer.
(They shift toward a high-top, gathering themselves and their drinks.
The CROWD keeps moving around them.)
AL (CONT’D)
Where’s Dave?
MIKE
He said he had to “grab one thing.”
JEN
That’s Dave-speak for “I’ll return as a different person.”
HARRY
He’ll show. He always shows.
AL
How do you know?
HARRY
Because the shore never lets anyone go.
(They drink. Music swells.)
SCENE 2
(At the high-top. The DJ and CROWD energy rises as turtle race time approaches.
A CROWD MEMBER waves cash near the turtle table. Another points at the track.)
HARRY
I’m telling you, the turtle races are the purest form of sport.
No politics. No scandals. Just a tiny animal and destiny.
JEN
And drunk people screaming at a reptile.
HARRY
Exactly. Democracy.
MIKE
I don’t want to bet on a turtle.
HARRY
Everyone wants to bet on a turtle. They just don’t know it yet.
AL
I’m not betting.
HARRY
That’s not allowed.
AL
Watch me.
JEN
Al. Your self-control has a two-drink warranty.
AL
I’m on drink one and I already feel the warranty expiring.
(BARTENDER passes, collects empties, leaves fresh napkins.
It’s a small act of caretaking in a chaotic ecosystem.)
BARTENDER
You want a tab?
MIKE
Yes.
HARRY
No.
JEN
Yes.
AL
Put it all on Mike.
MIKE
Absolutely not.
HARRY
Put it on future us. Future us has money.
JEN
Future us is going to be furious.
DJ (V.O.)
FIVE MINUTES! TURTLES TO THE FRONT!
MIKE
How does he make everything sound like the Super Bowl?
AL
Because he’s committed to the bit.
JEN
Imagine being that certain about anything.
HARRY
I’m that certain about turtles.
MIKE
That’s not helpful.
HARRY
It’s spiritual.
AL
I used to come here and think, “This is chaos.”
Now I come here and think, “This is familiar chaos.”
JEN
Comfort chaos.
MIKE
Comfort chaos is still chaos.
AL
Yeah. But it has a barstool.
(HARRY drains his drink, sets it down with purpose.)
HARRY
All right. We pick.
MIKE
Pick what?
HARRY
Our destiny.
JEN
Our regret.
AL
Our tiny, slow-moving disappointment.
HARRY
Come on.
(They move toward the turtle table as the CROWD surges.)
SCENE 3
(Downstage at the TURTLE TABLE. The DJ becomes a ringmaster voice.
The CROWD forms a loose circle. The turtle track is center of attention.)
DJ (V.O.)
ALRIGHT! TURTLES ARE READY!
TURTLE ONE! TURTLE TWO! TURTLE THREE! TURTLE FOUR!
PLACE YOUR BETS!
MIKE
Oh my God. There they are.
AL
Tiny. Majestic. Questionable.
JEN
They look bored.
HARRY
They look focused.
MIKE
How do you even pick?
HARRY
You feel it. You look into their little eyes and you see destiny.
AL
They don’t have destiny. They have a plastic track
and a crowd problem.
HARRY
Turtle four.
JEN
You always pick four.
HARRY
Because four has heart.
MIKE
I’ll pick turtle two.
JEN
I’ll pick turtle three.
AL
I’ll pick none.
HARRY
That’s not allowed.
AL
Fine. Five dollars.
HARRY
Ten.
AL
Five.
HARRY
Ten.
(JEN leans toward AL, calm and lethal.)
JEN
If you don’t bet ten, he’ll talk about it for a decade.
AL
Fine. Ten.
HARRY
Thank you. The turtle gods smile upon you.
MIKE
Please stop saying turtle gods.
DJ (V.O.)
ON YOUR MARK! GET SET!
BAR CROWD
WOOOO!
DJ (V.O.)
GO!
(The CROWD erupts into shouting. Actors can overlap here; the goal is noise.)
HARRY
TURTLE FOUR! MOVE!
JEN
TURTLE THREE! DO SOMETHING!
MIKE
Come on, two. Come on—
AL
Turtle one isn’t even participating.
HARRY
FOUR! FOUR!
JEN
THREE! THREE!
MIKE
TWO! TWO!
DJ (V.O.)
AND THE WINNER IS—TURTLE THREE!
(JEN throws her hands up. HARRY collapses in disbelief.
MIKE looks offended by the laws of nature. AL just nods.)
JEN
Yes!
HARRY
No!
MIKE
That’s not possible.
AL
The universe loves irony.
JEN
Pay me.
HARRY
We don’t pay you. The system pays you.
JEN
You are the system.
HARRY
The system is broken.
AL
The system is a turtle track in a bar.
MIKE
I can’t believe I just screamed at a turtle.
JEN
Welcome to Belmar.
(BARTENDER passes behind them, deadpan.)
BARTENDER
Congrats.
JEN
Thank you.
HARRY
Rematch.
JEN
Absolutely not.
SCENE 4
(Back at the bar. They’re slightly breathless. The music returns to full.
The CROWD is invigorated by the outcome as if it mattered.)
BARTENDER
Another round?
HARRY
Yes.
MIKE
Water.
JEN
Water.
AL
Beer.
HARRY
And a shot.
JEN
No.
(BARTENDER looks to JEN; respects the “no.”)
BARTENDER
No shots.
HARRY
Traitor.
JEN
I’m preserving tomorrow.
HARRY
Tomorrow isn’t real.
JEN
Tomorrow is extremely real and it wakes up at six forty-five.
AL
That’s the scariest sentence anyone’s said in this bar.
MIKE
Where’s Dave?
AL
Still missing.
JEN
He’s not missing. He’s adventuring irresponsibly.
HARRY
He’ll come back. He always comes back.
JEN
Like a rash.
AL
Like a boomerang with anxiety.
MIKE
I’m going to the pay phone.
AL
There’s a pay phone?
MIKE
There’s always a pay phone.
(He gestures toward an offstage corner. He starts to go.)
JEN
Tell his mother he died heroically.
MIKE
I’m not calling his mother.
JEN
Then call the house.
MIKE
The house doesn’t answer.
AL
Because the house is also drunk.
MIKE
I’m trying anyway.
(MIKE exits toward the pay phone area. The others remain.)
DJ (V.O.)
ROUND TWO! TURTLES BACK UP FRONT!
HARRY
Round two. Redemption.
JEN
Round two. Fraud.
AL
Round two. We pretend we’re in control again.
(HARRY grins. JEN rolls her eyes. AL follows them back toward the track.)
SCENE 5
(At the TURTLE TABLE again. The CROWD circle reforms quickly, like instinct.)
MIKE (re-entering, frustrated)
Pay phone ate my quarter.
JEN
That’s Belmar calling collect.
MIKE
Nobody answered the house anyway.
AL
Because Dave isn’t there.
HARRY
Because Dave is on a quest.
JEN
Because Dave is lost.
HARRY
All right. We pick smarter this time.
JEN
I picked perfectly last time.
HARRY
That was luck.
JEN
Everything here is luck.
MIKE
Fine. Turtle four.
HARRY
Great choice.
MIKE
You picked four.
HARRY
Great minds.
JEN
I’m picking turtle one.
AL
I’m picking turtle two, and I’m not yelling.
HARRY
You’ll yell.
DJ (V.O.)
ON YOUR MARK! GET SET! GO!
(They yell.)
HARRY
FOUR!
MIKE
FOUR!
JEN
ONE!
AL
Two. Do something.
DJ (V.O.)
AND THE WINNER IS—TURTLE FOUR!
(HARRY and MIKE explode with victory. JEN groans. AL accepts fate.)
HARRY
Yes!
MIKE
Yes!
AL
Great. The universe corrected itself.
HARRY
Drinks on the winnings!
MIKE
We won ten dollars.
HARRY
Exactly.
JEN
That won’t cover the ice in our water.
(They drift back toward the bar.)
SCENE 6
(At a high-top. The bar feels later now: louder, hotter, looser.
The CROWD looks a little more ungoverned.)
MIKE
We should leave soon.
HARRY
It’s early.
JEN
It’s late.
HARRY
It’s Mary’s time.
AL
Mary’s time isn’t a real clock.
HARRY
It’s the only clock that matters.
(Music hits a peak. The DJ is in full command.)
DJ (V.O.)
BELMAR! MAKE SOME NOISE!
BAR CROWD
WOOOO!
(From upstage, DAVE bursts in like a parade. His shirt is stained.
His hair is somehow perfect. He is triumph and confusion.)
DAVE
GUYS!
AL
He’s here.
HARRY
He’s alive!
MIKE
He has a look.
JEN
Please don’t say you brought a turtle.
DAVE
I’M BACK!
BARTENDER (from the bar, calling)
ID?
DAVE
YES! I HAVE IT! I HAVE TWO!
BARTENDER
Two?
DAVE
Long story!
JEN
No.
AL
Yes.
MIKE
No.
HARRY
Yes!
(DAVE talks while moving, unstoppable.)
DAVE
I found mine and then I found another one and then I found a guy
who said it was his but I didn’t believe him because he didn’t look
like the picture but then I remembered pictures are old—
JEN
Please stop.
(DAVE reaches the bar, slaps down his wallet, produces his ID proudly.
BARTENDER checks it, hands it back without comment.)
BARTENDER
What do you want?
DAVE
A shot.
JEN
No.
DAVE
A beer.
JEN
Fine.
DAVE
A shot with the beer.
JEN
No.
DAVE
Two beers.
JEN
That’s worse.
DAVE
One beer and one water.
JEN
That’s better.
DAVE
And a shot.
JEN
That’s worse again.
AL
Dave, how far did you wander?
DAVE
Not far. Like five blocks. Or fifteen. Or maybe I went in a circle
for a while because the streets all look the same when you’re determined.
MIKE
Determined to do what?
DAVE
To succeed.
JEN
At what?
DAVE
At coming back.
HARRY
He did it.
MIKE
I’m concerned.
DAVE
Don’t be. I made friends.
JEN
No.
DAVE
Yes. There was a guy named Sal who told me a story about a jet ski
and a pizza.
AL
That sounds like Belmar folklore.
HARRY
Sal is a prophet.
MIKE
Sit down.
DAVE
I can’t sit. I’m too alive.
JEN
That’s not a thing.
SCENE 7
(HARRY suddenly gets sentimental, as if touched by a commercial.)
HARRY
We should take a picture.
JEN
With what?
(HARRY pats his pockets, then freezes. Everyone realizes at once.)
AL
1984.
MIKE
No cell phones.
DAVE
Wait. I can draw it.
JEN
No.
HARRY
We can do a photo booth!
MIKE
There’s a photo booth?
AL
There’s always a photo booth.
(JEN points across the bar: a battered PHOTO BOOTH with a curtain.
The CROWD moves like they’ve been there before.)
JEN
Fine. One strip. Then we leave.
MIKE
We are leaving.
HARRY
We are leaving.
AL
We’re leaving.
DAVE
We’re leaving.
(They move to the booth. They cram in. It’s a physical comedy beat.
Curtain struggles. Laughter. The booth flashes.)
PHOTO BOOTH (a mechanical voice, optional)
ONE. TWO. THREE. FOUR.
(They spill out with the photo strip: tiny black-and-white images.
HARRY holds it like a trophy.)
HARRY
Proof.
AL
Evidence.
JEN
A future mistake.
MIKE
A future argument.
DAVE
Art.
JEN
Don’t.
SCENE 8
(Back at the bar for “the last round.” Everyone knows it’s a lie.
But it’s a comforting lie.)
MIKE
Okay. One more drink. Then we go.
HARRY
Yes.
AL
Sure.
JEN
Yes.
DAVE
Possibly.
MIKE
No “possibly.”
DAVE
Definitely-ish.
BARTENDER
Last round?
JEN
Water.
MIKE
Water.
AL
Beer.
HARRY
Beer.
DAVE
Beer.
JEN
No shots.
HARRY
No shots.
DAVE
Shots?
JEN
No.
(DAVE nods like he understands, but he doesn’t.)
DJ (V.O.)
THIS ONE’S FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID THEY WERE GOING HOME EARLY!
(JEN looks up at the booth like it’s mocking her personally.)
JEN
That’s targeted.
AL
That’s personal.
MIKE
I never said that.
JEN
You thought it.
MIKE
I always think it.
HARRY
I’m having a moment.
JEN
Oh no.
HARRY
I love you idiots.
(JEN wants to deflect but can’t fully.)
JEN
Don’t make it weird.
MIKE
It’s already weird.
AL
Let him have it.
DAVE
I love you too.
JEN
Please don’t hug me.
DAVE
I’m not. I’m hugging the air near you.
JEN
Better.
(They drink. A small pause. The bar noise continues, but something
softens among them.)
MIKE
All right. We finish. We go.
ALL
We finish. We go.
(They stand. They actually begin to move—miracle.)
DJ (V.O.)
BELMAR! WAIT—ONE MORE TURTLE RACE!
(They freeze. Spellbound. Even JEN.)
JEN
Absolutely not.
HARRY
Just one.
JEN
No.
HARRY
For tradition.
JEN
No.
MIKE
We’re leaving.
AL
We’re leaving.
DAVE
We’re—
(HARRY turns to JEN, bargaining in a sacred tone.)
HARRY
Ten dollars.
JEN
No.
HARRY
Twenty.
JEN
No.
HARRY
I’ll carry the cooler tomorrow.
(A beat. That’s serious currency. JEN wavers.)
AL
Uh-oh.
MIKE
That’s a real offer.
JEN
Fine. One. Then we go.
HARRY
Yes!
MIKE
We’re weak.
AL
We’re human.
DAVE
We’re Belmar.
JEN
Shut up and pick a turtle.
(They surge back toward the TURTLE TABLE as the CROWD swells with them.
The DJ’s voice rises. The music spikes.)
DJ (V.O.)
TURTLES UP FRONT! PLACE YOUR BETS!
(As they disappear into the crowd, the PHOTO BOOTH strip remains on the
high-top—small, black-and-white proof that they were here.)
LIGHTS FADE.
END
