The Keys to a Good Marriage
I was asked to be my youngest brother's best man, which is an honor, of course. However, let’s face it, the responsibilities of being a best man is limited at the very least.
First, to sign the marriage certificate with a witness.
Second, organize a bachelor party.
Third, make sure you do not lose the wedding ring.
And finally, fourth, make a toast to congratulate, send blessings, and good luck to the new young couple.
How hard can it be?
Well, we’re about to find out….
A short time after I was asked to represent my brother and his fiancé on their wedding day, he called to inform me that he did not want a bachelor party. Disappointed, I asked him why.
He simply did not want all the childishness, and shenanigans, normally associated with a bachelor parties, such as:
Booze
Girls
Drugs
Did I mention booze?
Being completely deflated and speechless, and being released of my duties and responsibilities of being the best man, only one thing came to mind.
‘Fuck him,’ I thought.
I had to come up with a plan to redeem myself, and leave my mark on his day.
I needed to come up with a scheme that no one saw coming. Something that was funny and clean,
due to all the aunts and uncles, grandparents, mothers, and fathers invited to the wedding.
But also, something that was embarrassing as hell.
So my sick brain went to work.
At the time, I had an uncle that managed a hardware store in town. This hardware store would cut house keys. That was the first part of my plan.
I needed to devise a way to distribute these keys at the reception. So, first, on a simple postcard, I wrote the following:
Good evening. My name is Vince, and I am the groom's brother, and best man. During today’s toast to the new couple, I will ask for this key that is taped to this postcard. At that time, could you please bring the key to me at the main table after the toast. Thank you.
Next, I taped a single key to each postcard, and put them each in an envelope. On the day of the wedding, I found one of my brother’s college mates. I gave him a quick overview of what I had planned, and asked him to distribute to some specific people at the wedding.
The table was set and now I can hatch my plan…. let me just say it was a great Christmas wedding beautifully done. Way too many people.
After several dry martinis, the time had come for my toast to my brother and his new bride.
I started with a heartfelt toast about my brother, and how happy and proud we all were for him and his new bride and welcoming her into our family and to thank the bride's family for accepting him.
But then the shit hit the fan…
I started with some sappy, rambling, bullshit nonsense about my brother. How him being so in love, and not having the right words to convey that love to his new bride.
“And,” I continued, “to show his unwavering devotion, and dedication, and ongoing love and respect for her,” I paused longer than expected, “please, at this time, could all those that possess a key to my brother’s beach house, bring them up, and place them in this huge glass bowl at the head of the table.”
After a slight pause, and an uneasy silence, there was a gasp. A wave of women, including every attractive girl, woman, waitress, cousin, friend, one handsome man, cougars and, of course, my mother, brought a key and placed it in the bowl that sat right in front of me at the head table.
Once everyone was back in their seats, I grabbed this very full bowl of keys, and turned to my new sister-in-law.
“This is how much he loves you,” I said as I placed the bowl in her hands. “This is a symbol of his love for you, to show just how much my brother truly, truly loves you.”
I didn’t stick around long enough to see the aftermath. I just melted into the crowd, but I know there were a lot of side-eye.
And, of course, that look that very clearly says…
“We’ll talk later.”
Growing up in the shadow of my Sicilian grandma in her 5x8 kitchen in Garwood, NJ has brought me to my passion for cooking. She taught me that recipes are for amateurs; a real cook does by eye and taste. My hobby of gardening has led its way into my many dishes as well, whether it be fresh herbs, heirloom tomatoes or a variety of peppers, whatever the garden yields and the season brings.
My lifetime careers have always brought me to working with my hands, whether laying brick, building million dollar homes or repairing broken fences, my hands have been my support system in raising my 2 children, Ethan & Leah with my wife Doreen always by my side.
Now that I am semi-retired, I will be able to enjoy some of my other hobbies - fly-fishing, playing golf, live music and of course spending Monday nights with my core group of friends enjoying Monday Night Football and Trivia Night.
Guest Blogger Thom Agliata
