I never thought I would be saying this, but we are going to try this one last time. We received an incredible gift yesterday. “Tressel” (our specialist) is going to only charge us (ooh-taboo-talking about money again) $1,000 for everything in order to help us try to have a baby. You have no idea how generous and kind this gift is. I say “only $1,000″because it normally costs a lot more than that and we were not going to do it if we did not have the money. We simply, after 9 years and a lot of money, absolutely cannot turn this gift down. This is not the kind of gift you don’t accept. To put things in perspective, one test alone that I must have would have been $570.00. One bottle of medicine (hormones) he wants to put me on is $540.00 a bottle and I will be on about three bottles. Not to mention the shots, blood work, ultrasounds, exams and overall monitoring. I am overwhelmed and a bit in shock. But I am excited.
I sent a text to my sleeping husband that read, “$1,000″. Silence…..No response all day. As I was driving home, I called him (with my hands free phone and once I was off the freeway) to ask him if he got my text.
Me: “Well, what do you think?”
Husband: “I thought you said you did not want do the shots ever again?”
Me: “Well, yes. As you were harpooning me for months, I did say, enjoy stabbing me because we are never doing this again. But, this is a gift and I feel like we are getting signs. I am up for it if you are.”
Husband: “[Pause] Okay?”
Me: “Um, no. I am going to need a little more enthusiasm from my soon daddy-to-be.”
Me: “Okay. Then we are having a baby!”
Husband: “No. We are not having a baby. We are trying one last time.”
Me: “WE ARE HAVING A BABY! Talk to you later. Love you. Bye.”
I am taking the optimistic approach. We have been cautiously optimistic for almost a decade. As in my prior posts, my husband never wanted to even discuss baby names until the adoption was finalized and/or we had our second trimester ultrasound. We have been disappointed every time. It is not that we are not excited. It has been the case that when we do allow ourselves to finally get excited, it blows up in our face.
When I went to Tressel’s office the other day, I even parked on a different level. I did not park in my usual area. Superstitious? A little. I am tired of waiting to get excited. This time, I want to enjoy it for once. I will be fairly open, and my instincts tell me to do the opposite of what I have felt and done in the past. For once, I don’t want to be cautiously optimistic? I want to be optimistic – exclamation point! In the words of Seinfeld, “If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.” George starts doing the complete opposite of what he would do normally. I am now George. I have three tests to do – all covered by insurance (CAN I GET A TYJ?! – Thank you Jesus!). Then, if everything looks good, the trying and the shots (grrrr) begin! I understand that we may not get pregnant or we may miscarry if we do, but for once, I want to do the opposite and I am allowing myself to get excited. I never thought we had another chance. I thought the gravy train was stopped. Thanks to many wonderful doctors, including Tressel and “Mr. Big” (my primary care physician), they are giving us a gift I never thought we would receive. The gift of hope once again.
Thank you for following, reading and sharing. I have been bombarded with many stories of friends going through similar and worse struggles. I feel like the infertility whisperer. Feel free to talk about it with me if you want or share the blog with others. Maybe it will help someone, a friend or loved one, and you had no idea they were going through this battle.
The secret handshake (see prior post) is always extended.