Internet Dating, The Real Life 'Mystery Date' by Tammy Moore
5/24 - First attempt – Codename: Big Sur.
Profile picture was him and a surfboard - this man looks tall, dark, and handsome - a must meet! He states he is artistic and currently in between Jujitsu careers (oh boy, first red flag). I shake it off, considering myself as being way too judgmental; stop it Tammy - We move forward with the 'meeting' - Big Sur is 5'5 with work boots on and soft-spoken - slightly balding, strands poke through, here and there, like piglet hair. Definitely not a match - now what? Must fill an hour's worth of bullshit small talk in order to get through this, thank GOD I babble when nervous- WAIT! I got a text from some biker guy during the 'so where have you been in the United States question' (like I care) – I use this as my emergency text to take off - bye Big – wait - Little Sur (I say in a whisper)
Second attempt – Codename: Russia
Profile pic was close-up headshot, NOT the professional kind, by far. Big guy looking for love, conversation flows through text, and he wants to talk on the phone - BONUS! Love a man who wants to hear your voice – ok, Russia, let's do this!! We speak on the phone, and although he has a slight accent, which in my 20's would have most likely turned me off, I overlook this and conclude it adds character - we plan on meeting, but he works in the city. He takes the bus and doesn't get home until 8:30 at night; spends his 2 days off with his 6yr old (as he SHOULD) and works the weekends – hmm, got me thinking - If we did fall for each other, when would we spend time together (yes, I count my eggs before they're hatched [can you tell])? Day before we plan to meet, I send him a text telling him we are geographically doomed, and give him some advice as to whom he should look to date in the future (city girl). I'm positive he appreciated this advice (NOT), he kindly disagreed and we wish each other luck in finding our Geographic soul mates.
Third attempt – Codename: Biker
Profile pic was decent, obviously taken while at work, but at least not a selfie in bathroom mirror - so far so good. Second pic is him on a Harley; OK you have my attention - A job and a thirst for death - my kind of guy. He texts well, asks the same questions of me that I ask of him - WAIT A MINUTE, could this be a guy who seems interested in someone other than himself? WERE GETTING MARRIED!! (Slap!) Chill out, Tammy, those eggs have not hatched -STOP COUNTING. He texts while I'm out with Big Sur,; I tell him I'm out at a 'meeting' with someone from Dating app, but in truth, I wish I were meeting him. Ok, yep, I just put myself out there, going with the ‘be free and honest’ theme. He wishes me luck and asks me out for Friday (that's right, sucker, I may be gone before you know it - better jump on this before it's too late!) This man obviously values the sense of urgency - I use this moment as my OUT and jet on Big / Little Sur (see First attempt above). Biker and I talk quickly before he needs to pick up his kids and, BAMN, we have a bona fide DATE.
It’s Friday night (FINALLY) and I’ve scheduled a babysitter for a few hours - am I nuts? Possibly. Man oh man, taking a chance here. Normally, I would tell the potential date to stand outside the building that they're in and I would proceed to do a drive-by. One beep means ‘yes’, two beeps means ‘no’. SUCK IT. However, my forever positive energy makes me think this guy may just be the one. I get prettied up, and I'm off. The nervousness sets in - oh man I hope he likes me! There he is, and he looks like his profile picture. POINTS!!! I am deliriously happy - wait a sec, is that magic in the air, or is it cigarette smoke? Yep it's cigarette smoke (et-hem your profile said non-smoker) POINTS SUBTRACTED!!! Slowly, but surely, this is crashing and burning (cigarette pun intended) but, hey, he's cute. Look beyond, Tammy, look beyond dammit. Whoa - now that the smoke has cleared (cough, cough) I see he is dressed completely in motorcycle gang gear, and my excitement diminishes significantly. Really? You couldn't just dress normal ONE NIGHT? ‘Chill out, Tammy, give the guy a chance’, I scream inside my head.
Ok, take a breath.
Biker starts telling me all about his motorcycle gang, and I nod as if I'm super interested, and I am, but only in a 'why does one join a gang psychoanalyzing kinda way'. It's at this point I say to myself ‘time to get plastered’, so the conversation will sound more interesting and my laughs seem more genuine.
This riveting and life changing conversation flows right into his mastering the art of Karate (yes, I said it with an accent - Kay-rah-tay) and right then and there I lost my proverbial wood for this guy.
This guy is no hunky bad-ass with a thirst for death; heck, without the Halloween gear he wouldn't scare a fly. He spends the rest of the night talking about himself, does not compliment me, or ask me any questions, so I listen politely while I drink my drink and my dreams of pairing up swirls slowly down the toilet.
Hey, maybe I'll circle back around to Russia – geography-shmeography…