The Soundtrack for This First Date Was the Theme from 'JAWS' written by Theresa Walters
Last summer, I decided to give on-line dating another try (clearly, I am a glutton for punishment)
I met a nice, tall man, retired and living at the Jersey shore; my perfect match!
So, after quite a few emails, we decided to meet for cocktails and appetizers. I sent him a text – ‘just go inside and we will meet up at bar’ because it was such a hot July day. I walk in and start scoping the large, oval bar. I don't see him. Finally, I see this dude flapping his arms for my attention. The reason I didn't see him? He was ten-years-older and about seventy-pounds-heavier than his profile photo (just great!!)
Slightly pissed, I bellied up to the bar (quick, barkeep, I need a drink). We do the usually get to know each other chat. He tells me I look better in person (smooth), I tell him he looks nothing like his photo. He chuckled (I wasn’t kidding).
It didn't take long before I realized, he was Mr. Negative. Not to mention his drinking (can’t you even pretend not to be an alcoholic for 2 hours?) We disagreed on everything, especially politics, even though we were on the "same side". After his 4th double vodka on the rocks, he started telling me of his aliments. Hey, I'm never seeing him again, so I counter will my aches and pains. It was now a competition (like the scene from "Jaws" when they are in the cabin at night, drinking and comparing scars).
OK folks, this is where it gets good! He points to his heart, I ask, "You got heart issues?" He says, "Nope, feel this"
So now I am going to feel his boob – yup, that's right, his boob. It was hard, and kind of felt like he had a big rubber eraser under his shirt. He proceeds to tell me he had a condition called "blah, blah, blah". My first thought was that I was on some sort on Candid Camera, or John Quinones from ‘What Would You Do’ was about to appear.
He tells me of the special doctor he sees, and so on. Now mind you, he is now pretty buzzed, and getting louder by the minute. He continues with, "My doctor says we can operate, but if we keep the NIPPLE it will grow back, or I can have no NIPPLE, or they can lift the NIPPLE”.
Holy crap!!! Everyone is starting to stare!
I needed to get out of there quick. Made some excuse, got the bartender to close the check (and, YES, he paid; at least I got two drinks and chicken fingers for my torturer). He walked me to my car and asked, “What do you think? Wanna meet up again?" I smirked and said "Yeah, I don't think so."
I got in my car and drove off, laughing to myself all the way home. Later, I called my friend, and told her the story. She laughed, and said "well, at least you got to second base."
I guess that's the silver lining here.
Although, getting to second base, on a first date, isn’t what it used to be.